She’s not flirting, she’s being nice: No, it should NOT be so easy for men to tell

By Lee Cleveland, Polls and Trends - October 6, 2021

Grr…


Fellas, this used to drive me crazy – and still does to some extent.

You meet an attractive woman who seems like she might be interested in getting to know you on a deeper level but you’re not quite sure.

She’s super friendly, overly attentive, and complimentary yet doesn’t give you any real obvious signs she’s romantically interested.

She even does that touchy-feely thing where she puts her hands on your shoulder and chest when she’s speaking to you – And then you notice her doing the same thing when talking to every other dude.

Bummer.

Nevertheless, you still want to know: Is she interested in you?

Is she a mega flirt?

Or, is she simply a very nice person who thinks you’re cool but has no extracurricular interest?

This morning, YourTango published an insightful piece I’m Not Hitting On You, I’m Just Being Nice.’

Finally, someone has written about this phenomenon.

The writer, a female, insists because she’s genuinely nice and respectful to everyone her intentions are often mistaken.

“All throughout high school and college, my friends have always teased me about how I’m too nice for my own good,” wrote Kasia Jaworski in I’m Not Hitting On You, I’m Just Being Nice.’

“On multiple occasions, guys have thought I’m interested in them (just because I was nice to them), which always leads to that awkward I’m-just-not-that-into-you conversation.”

…”I’m just a nice girl. I’m naturally friendly. I’ll strike up a conversation with a stranger and try to treat people with kindness.”

“This shouldn’t be a problem.”

Oh, but there could be a problem if you’re an interested guy talking to an equally interested, but less direct, female.

I’ve been told on multiple occasions – after the fact – I missed out on dating someone I was interested in because I assumed she was just being nice and, as a result, didn’t flirt back or ask her out.

So, if more men responded like me and defaulted to the ‘she’s-just-being-nice’ conclusion they’d run the risk of giving off ‘I’m-not-interested’ signals in situations where there’s mutual interest.

Trust me, I was a master at that. If a woman wasn’t clearly overt in her intentions, I’d assume she was just being nice.

Kasia added, “Now if I like a guy — and I’m actually coming onto him — I make it very obvious from the beginning. (A simple, “Hey I like you, let’s hang out” usually does the trick).”

Here’s the problem: Not all women are that direct, Kasia. They, in general, tend to disguise their interest better than dudes. Moreover, and although a bit old-fashioned, a lot of women still want men to make the first move.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard women insist they won’t make the first move, no matter how interested she is.

Most women like to be pursued, not vice versa. As a result, men are often left not knowing whether we should pull the trigger.

If the typical woman were more direct and overt in her intentions, like Kasia, these awkward situations would be a lot easier because it would take all of the perceived pressure off of the guy.

But, because a lot of women still expect the man to make the first move we, as men, are left wondering, “Is she just being nice, or is she giving me the green light to pursue her?”

Please share your thoughts below.

Tags: dating, relationships